I Am Angry…

I am angry. I will no longer deny myself the emotion that I feel – which is ANGER. The HOPE I once had in the justice system after only a few people lost their lives has since dissipated. HOPE has been replaced by RAGE that yet another member of my race has been slaughtered at the hands of those that are sworn to “protect and serve.” Protect who? Serve who?

When my heart quickens at the sight of an officer or a police vehicle, I don’t feel served. When tears well in my eyes at the thought of my nephews, cousins, uncles, brother, mentors, never returning home to our family I sure as hell don’t feel protected. Especially when I turn on my news station or read the latest social media feed only to discover that yet another assassin with blood stained hands is eating a home cook meal with their family acquitted of all charges of murder. Meanwhile the body of one of my kinsmen is lowered into the ground with no explanation.
I feel less than American… A resident of the “United”States. Not a citizen.
I’ve been trying to shake this feeling all week, been trying to return to a place of hope and belief that justice will prevail. But this murder hit too close to home for me. Not that any other of the publicized senseless deaths have meant any less.
#TerranceCrutcher was an unarmed innocent Pastor that happened to “look” threatening while trying to make it home to his family.
My father has been deceased for almost 20 years, but even so… he matched this description. He was 6’2, 250+ pounds, a PASTOR, father, husband, and provider who each day made it home to his family. #TerranceCrutcher could have been my father.
#TerranceCrutcher could be my brother…my cousins, my uncles, my brother in law, my mentors, my friends.
Tall, broad, heavy, God-fearing, church attending, non-threatening, unarmed BLACK men.
I am a big tall woman so yes, I come from a lineage of #BIGBLACKDUDES. Most of which would be considered intimidating in size and stature. So, that’s all the excuse the police needs to kill them?
Even if they’re unarmed…
Just looking for help…
Just reading a book…
Just trying to get home, or to church…
God has not given us the spirit of fear, but how does one not be afraid when the obvious #policegenocide is our reality.
I’m afraid for my race.
I’m outraged for my race.
I’m helpless for my race.
What do you do? What can we do? This issue transcends a protest or a hashtag.
God I need you to answer my heart’s groan and read the narrative written in my tears because when I kneel to pray I can’t find the words.

Hello 30!

Happy Birthday to Me!!!
I’ve often seen and heard people dread turning 30. It made them feel old as they mourned their twenties,and it made them feel as if it was finally time to “grow up.” Which, quite frankly, is something many of them needed (and still need) to do, but I digress. I guess since my twenties weren’t like many others, I  am very excited and have embraced turning 30…
My twenties were emotionally tumultuous to be quite honest. I continued to struggle with self-esteem, confidence, and acceptance – something I’ve struggled with since middle school and a fact that many can’t believe I dealt with. Apparently I was good at hiding it. I fought a very long internal battle regarding my career and whether or not to pursue my passion – musical theater and dance, or continue on the path where I was growing and succeeding  – internal audit. I had a failed marriage under my belt, was tormented with sever social anxiety, and all-in-all struggled to find my voice and identify with who I truly was. But God.

With His infinite wisdom and divine timing, God has led me on a journey of self-acceptance for the last few months, and one GREAT thing about God is that it doesn’t take him a long time to do what He needs to do. In a very short time, I’ve learned :

  1. Not to put my self worth into the hands of someone else, waiting and depending on his or her assessment of me to determine my value.
  2. To appreciate my physical “flaws” and personality quirks, as they make me unique,. I’ve learned and accepted that God has a husband in store for me that will “love my curves and my edges, all my perfect imperfections.” 
  3. To strip off the woman I had become based on what society, friends, family, the church, and my RACE wanted or thought I should be; and truly soul search to find MY voice and blossom into the woman I am.

There have been a lot of triumphs and failures along this journey but it has been well worth it. For that reason, I am walking into my thirties with my head held high and a switch in my hips possessing a true self confidence I have never had before.

Additionally, and in my opinion most importantly, I’ve learned to embrace the many assets God has allotted to me and to stop diminishing myself to appease other people. Something I did a lot because I thought any kind of self “praise” I exuded (better known as confidence) was cocky or arrogant. But I’ve learned that being outwardly proud of the Woman of God that I am, my character, personality, talents, and know my self-worth is not haughtiness. Let me give it a try… I am:

  • A woman of God with the spiritual gifts of (1) exaltation, (2) intercessory, (3) and spiritual visions and sensory who has been called to ministry (God is still working with me on that part)
  • A strong role model, mentor, confidant, and friend.
  • Sexy, attractive, and fashionable
  • Well traveled and well cultured
  • An educated and independent career woman
  • A multi-faceted artist with creative talents that include dance, singing, acting, poetry, song & play writing, choreography, and creative writing (yes I’ working on a book)
  • Domesticated. I enjoy cooking a keeping up my home
  • A woman of character, morals, class and sophistication
  • A young girl at heart – never afraid to let loose, have fun and appreciate the simple things in life.
I’ve learned a lot more along this journey, things that I may delve into in a later post, but the point is, I have truly evolved into a much more confident person, I truly feel that I know who I am, and what I’m worth. I am a Queen building her Queen-dom.  And today I emerge from the cocoon of my twenties into the butterfly that God has created me to be. So I’m excited about this next ‘chapter’ in my life, and happy to see and experience everything God has in store for me!