I Am Angry…

I am angry. I will no longer deny myself the emotion that I feel – which is ANGER. The HOPE I once had in the justice system after only a few people lost their lives has since dissipated. HOPE has been replaced by RAGE that yet another member of my race has been slaughtered at the hands of those that are sworn to “protect and serve.” Protect who? Serve who?

When my heart quickens at the sight of an officer or a police vehicle, I don’t feel served. When tears well in my eyes at the thought of my nephews, cousins, uncles, brother, mentors, never returning home to our family I sure as hell don’t feel protected. Especially when I turn on my news station or read the latest social media feed only to discover that yet another assassin with blood stained hands is eating a home cook meal with their family acquitted of all charges of murder. Meanwhile the body of one of my kinsmen is lowered into the ground with no explanation.
I feel less than American… A resident of the “United”States. Not a citizen.
I’ve been trying to shake this feeling all week, been trying to return to a place of hope and belief that justice will prevail. But this murder hit too close to home for me. Not that any other of the publicized senseless deaths have meant any less.
#TerranceCrutcher was an unarmed innocent Pastor that happened to “look” threatening while trying to make it home to his family.
My father has been deceased for almost 20 years, but even so… he matched this description. He was 6’2, 250+ pounds, a PASTOR, father, husband, and provider who each day made it home to his family. #TerranceCrutcher could have been my father.
#TerranceCrutcher could be my brother…my cousins, my uncles, my brother in law, my mentors, my friends.
Tall, broad, heavy, God-fearing, church attending, non-threatening, unarmed BLACK men.
I am a big tall woman so yes, I come from a lineage of #BIGBLACKDUDES. Most of which would be considered intimidating in size and stature. So, that’s all the excuse the police needs to kill them?
Even if they’re unarmed…
Just looking for help…
Just reading a book…
Just trying to get home, or to church…
God has not given us the spirit of fear, but how does one not be afraid when the obvious #policegenocide is our reality.
I’m afraid for my race.
I’m outraged for my race.
I’m helpless for my race.
What do you do? What can we do? This issue transcends a protest or a hashtag.
God I need you to answer my heart’s groan and read the narrative written in my tears because when I kneel to pray I can’t find the words.

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